Warning: According to the Child Protection Act, anybody under 12 may be offended by this preview.  But I'm no idiot. I won't give you a stupid form asking if you're 12 or older. I know you watch South Park all the time.  You won't get offended by this. But the government says you will. So you'd better not proceed, else your mothers will catch you reading this and then kick you off the computer for a month.  So DIE, idiot!

Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus is the coolest damn sequel of all time.  Words cannot describe how cool this game is. Of course I'm bluffing, or I wouldn't be writing this. Lemme go in depth:

Gamespeak is fucking cool. It's a feature that the geniuses at GT Interactive and Oddworld Inhabitants thought about in order to make the game a lot better than the other schmucky stiff platform games out there. Of course, you're only limited to 8 words and expressions, so when you try to start an intricate conversation with Abe, he ends up saying "Hi! Follow me! WAIT! PSHHHT! Work! I'm sorry. OK! Stop it! What? PHHT! Hee hee hee."

Abe is pretty insane.

Of course, Gamespeak wouldn't be the kickass thing that it is without possession. Like a bunch of games that are ripping itoff as we speak, this happens to be the best part of the game. The Sligs (AKA Guards, you stupid bitch) are very naive and stupid, so you can just throw a grenade over somewhere and the Slig will be so busy inspecting the explosion that he won't notice you taking over his dumb ass. Then while you are him, you can make him explode or throw him down a pit or shoot, beat or kill Mudokons (the guys you're supposed to save).

Paramites. I just wanna talk about how bitch-slappingly good these things are. They are hands with legs and a mouth, basically. They look suitable for cuddling, actually, so one time I decided to keep one as a pet. I fed it meat from the bag in the corner of the screen. It was actually pretty cool for a while, until I fucked up and cornered it. It knew who I was, but was actually pretty stupid because it killed me right away.

The Moral: Don't corner a Paramite. They're fucking nasty.

Fleeches. These things hath broken many a controller, methinks. They live in these vaults that can give you healing rings if you finish them well enough (or "at all," in layman's terms.) You see, these things are tiny inchworms that have huge tongues in them. Think of a tinier Licker, and you'll get the drift. But the worst part is that the guys don't kill you in one hit, so you have to listen to Abe's use of a vocabulary he picked up from a Glukkon earlier:

"OW! Damn it! These muthafuckin' Fleeches are pissin' me off! Hey! Why the hell are you licking my foot? Get the fuck off, biznitch! Ulp-"

Then the Fleech would digest him in a second, and we'd all throw our Dual Shock controllers at the screen in disgust.

You possess Glukkons on the second disc. I don't know why, you just do. These guys are like Mudokons, except dumber, taller, and without arms and legs. Basically, they're globs of flesh with heads and feet. And really cool purple suits. Any Slig could kick any Glukkon's ass. So why don't they? It's not like they have anything remotely resembling leadership. Hell, they let some absinthe-skinned wuss shut down a company that produces meat products! POWER TO THE ALMIGHTY SLIG!

Of course, I'd feel like a real dick if I didn't describe The Magog On the Mas, or whatever the fuck it's spelled. It's a sweetass news program that you encounter a few times on Disc 2. Here's a sample:

"Slig Announcer: The Magog On the Mas. News you can't abuse. Tonight, here's some late-breaking reports on SoulStorm Brew! Now we go live to a press conference with President Aslik:

Aslik: OH MY GOD! WHAT'S HAPPENING? WE'RE SCREWED! GET MY LAWYER! I'VE PROBABLY LOST MY JOB BY NOW! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Slig Announcer: Really? That's nice. In case you didn't know, he's referring to the Mudokon terrorist, Abe, killing several Sligs at Feeco Depot. Watch the Glukkon heads pop left and right! Oh, the humanity! We'll give you news as it pours in!"

Kickass, huh?

After my recieving of this awesomely awesome game as a gift, I recieved a letter in the mail from Oddworld Inhabitants. The pamphlet inside said:

You have encountered a bitchload of Mudokons. What do you do?

A. Bring them to a bird portal and chant to release them

B. Slap one and wait for the rest to slap each other, then wait for them to slowly die and commit suicide

C. Do B, but pretend it's Jerry Springer and try to calm them down

The questionnaire went on and on until the end, in which I mailed it back to Oddworld Inhabitants. Weeks later, I recieved an air freshener. It said:

"Congratulations! You have guessed right! The answer was Paramite. And if you didn't guess Paramite, then who cares? It's a free air freshener!"

Oddworld is crazy.

Graphics: 9 The people who did this must have really known their shit, as the game has perfectly flawless ugly graphics. I mean, the Mudokons are ugly, the Glukkons are ugly, and the Fleeches are  especially ugly!

Fun: 10 Who the hell cares if it's frustratingly frustrating? It's damned fun! You get to kill things and kill some other things while killing something else! It's fun for the whole family!

-NeatoMan